I'm not getting sucked back into his web. I'm moving forward, moving on. I deserve something better, as does he. Hopefully, he will figure out, sooner than later, that hiding and pretending and playing the mysterious man in the shadows is only going to get him exactly where he started. It won't make him happy. I'm deserving of better treatment than that. I'm not just some empty body to use and manipulate, or some soul to crush with his crass behavior. I'm a human being, and I need to be held, loved, comforted. I won't be mistreated or unappreciated.
I took my first kickboxing class yesterday, and it kicked my ass. My entire body is so sore, the muscles so worked and tight, that it's difficult to walk up and down the stairs in my house. I've been trying to stretch as much as possible, today. I'm hooked. I can't wait to go back, once my body has recovered enough to not be agony.
Purging has taken a serious backseat in my life, as has the majority of any disorder. I do still eat too much, and quite a bit of processed food. I'm coaxing myself back into mindfulness, and focusing on just paying attention to my body, when I'm full, when to stop. It's taking time, but I'm trying to get and stay healthy. I'm realizing, finally, that I don' t have much of a choice, if I actually want to lead a life that has opportunity. I have to have my health, in order to accomplish the goals I've set for myself. I cannot limit myself physically for a pretty, low number on the scale. Health means not having chest pains nearly every day, and wondering what kind of long-term damage I've already done to myself through all the abuse of medications and diet aids, the history of bulimia, the terrified nights of insomnia and starvation. There's no way to go back and smack my former self into understanding, into good sense. There is hope, though, to change, to create mindfulness and awareness, now, in my everyday life.
I'm setting up an appointment with my physician to discuss the probability of fibromyalgia. I don't want it to be true, but it explains a lot of the symptoms I've been experiencing. Finally being able to tie them all together, things I didn't even realize were actual symptoms, that I was just living with and dealing with because they just were... It's odd to think there's something else going on. It's also a bit of a relief. We'll see. There can only be forward motion, from this point on.
Even as I say this, though, the whisper of abusing my body, of destroying myself... It's still there, hollow, but louder than an echo.
It only has power over me if I give it.
This, I have to hold onto.
