Acquiesce

I'm really attempting to try to get a handle on my eating. Today, I actually made a salad rather than go down the street to the best fast food chain this side of the Mississippi and order the usual. The purging is mostly under control, so long as I'm not alone in my car with said 'usual', or feeling particularly shitty for indulging in a meal. A normal meal, I might add, that normal people would consume in one sitting. Normal, as in, not the morbidly obese, but the 'in the middle'.

I don't know if it's working or not.

Also, I finally gave in and started taking Prozac again. I've had these prescriptions laying around for awhile now, and with my moods as they are, I don't see a good enough reason to delay the inevitable. Once I'm a little more stable, I'll figure out a better alternative, like a therapist, or kickboxing. As it stands, I cannot afford either of those things, and I have already spent the money on these magic happy pills, so I may as well fucking try it out... (again.)

We'll see.

My roommate, also one of my best friends, more like a sister... she and I are going to an NA meeting tomorrow night. We've been talking about it for a couple weeks, now, and I think, no, I know, that it's time I take action or risk the consequences. The consequences being, of course, my lack of will power and self confidence to not fuck up and totally fuck myself over.

So, there's that.

I've been incredibly emotional the past few days. I sleep too much, too long into the day. It's hard to convince myself to get out of bed, unless there's a damn good reason, and usually there just isn't, not in my warped mind. If I get out of bed, then I go down to the kitchen and I eat. If I eat, I usually want to eat more. If I eat more, then I want to purge because I've made myself a horrible human being, once again, and I can't stand it. The other alternatives once I get out of bed is that I'll either sit around in my bed and play on the damn computer all day long, or I go out and spend money I can't afford to spend on things I can't afford to spend it on... And so the dirty cycle continues.

That's probably all for now. Much love.