If only I could wrap my head around all of this.

I've wanted to write for weeks, but haven't found the time or the privacy. Finally, it's 12:32 in the morning, and I have a moment, but I'm tired. So tired... of thinking, of the drama, and of all the pointless and trivial idiosyncrasies that carve out their niche in my life. I don't really know what to tell you, or how, or why I care to even bother. I think it's just the urge to keep a record of sorts, no matter how scattered and abused.

I've been car hunting for about a week and a half now, stuck at my parents', thankful that they are letting me use their car to get around and search for the next motorized sucker. A kid and I collided head-on and totaled my car, barely damaging his mother's truck, and now I'm left dealing with whatever bullshit this is while I'm sure he's off fucking his girlfriend.

No, I'm not really that petty or angry at him, I'm just in a really bitchy mood. I've been in a bitchy mood for what feels like weeks now. I've been so angry, so passive aggressive, so damned ill with society's shortcomings and, to be more exact, the people in it, that I've turned into this foul, abruptly violent creature that scares me when I catch its reflection in the mirror. But on some unassuming level, I could not give less a shit about it. I'm livid? So be it. I'm fat? Now there's a fucking problem.

I've come to the conclusion that I can't accurately call what I've got 'bulimia'. It's more ED-NOS at this point. I guess it always was, really, and I just couldn't quite make sense of it.

It's so strange being open with people. Saying the words, "I had an eating disorder," and even admitting that I'm having trouble now. It feels, at times, like I'm betraying myself in the worst way. I'm showing people every deep, abysmal, bleeding scar I've got, and expecting them to either live with it, or leave. Which is basically how I feel about it, anyway, but still. There's so much more that I keep buried, that I evade with the smiling and the laughing and the drugs and the temporary, meaningless bullshit that seems to permeate the air these days. It's like the plague, and no one gives a fuck.