My bite is brutality.

Anger runs through my veins, toxic. Catapulted into these situations by the slingshot of my own making, I feel I am setting myself up for disaster. I am no good to those I love when I resent them, and I fear most that resentment is indeed the direction this course will take me. Should I move in with my best friend, in her state of pregnancy, desperation, and need, I will become the one she depends on, and I am not sure I can compete with my own needs.

I am aware I should not forfeit my own life, make such a sacrifice, if it means my being miserable and angry towards someone I love wholeheartedly. She says she doesn't know what to do. She can't afford this, she's barely scraping by, she's so frightened, and the fear paralyzes her. She needs me now more than ever, and I am not so certain I can provide the support she needs right now. How can I, when I am barely capable of supporting myself in any form? I, too, am terrified. Of life, of consequences, of the financial weight upon my bulky shoulders, of the physical weight I have put on in my many moments of weakness.

There are so many opportunities, and it is hellish that I cannot distinguish if this would be a step forward, or a step out of league with my intentions. Would this be dissent, a mockery of the direction I wish to move in? I fear it. And fear, I've found, is only good when you use it to extinguish itself from existence.

There's many options, many more constructive ideas than this. The only reason I'd move to this city is to help my friend, but for how long? What good can come of it if I already am beginning to resent her for needing me, when I am still hours away? I haven't even moved yet, and already I am angry with her, unfairly so. It is my choice to move, my feet that would do the walking. How can I resent her for being human, and erring so?

For my own intents, it would be better to find another place, one more agreeable with my intentions. I want to attend college, I need to move forward with my education and allow the consequences to transpire. The transformation needs to happen, and it will not if my ego and my emotions roll in discontent.

What the hell am I doing?

I need so many changes, it's unfair to my past, my future, and my Now to think of anything other than what I can do in this moment to make change transpire.

I'm an idiot. There's no choice, really. I've already made it, I simply don't want to admit it.

How to share this decision with those it will also affect, I've no idea.