Fat, weak wrists.

My hands have been giving me trouble, probably from potassium deficiency... and general malnutrition. The joints, primarily. My fingers will freeze, sort of a momentary paralysis.

I ate, and it's been too long for purging to get anything out of it, but my body still says purgepurgepurge. My face is fat from throwing up so much yesterday. I went to the dentist and as soon as I got back to this empty house, I ate, and threw up, drank a beer, threw up, shot up some drugs, and went to the store to get a big bottle of wine. When I got back, I started drinking, and eating and purging. All day.

It's exhausting.

My teeth are more sensitive than usual over the stomach acids, due to the fact I just got them cleaned. Stupid, really. I know better, but what was I supposed to do, just let the food fester and rot inside of me? I forgot my laxatives, and I don't have many pills to help counteract it. I am out of the good drugs... which is why I'm considering driving a couple hours to go to this show tonight, to dance and rage and get more drugs, so I can stay high.

So what, I'm broke. Being high is more important than being able to afford gas and food. Who needs food when you have good drugs at your disposal?

I've got to do something about this...


Nothing will change. I'm stuck in this familiarity. I don't mind it, until it gets too much. Then, all I can think is what would happen if I left. That seems to be what my family wants me to do. The only problem is, they don't understand the level of my depression, the anxiety, they just don't know how far I've gone. They have no idea what will happen if I do leave.

It'll be over before I begin.