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I'm back.

I doubt anyone noticed that I was gone, vanished into the abyss, but I thought I'd announce my return, anyway.

I went away. 3,000 miles away. I went to California, just before Halloween. I went with a couple friends, to meet up with a few other friends. We did things. We saw things. There was drama. There was tension. I went to Oregon. I went to Washington. I saw the Redwoods, and the Pacific, the Grand Canyon, the Petrified Forest, again.

It was beautiful. A strange land, an unusual freedom, the push and pull of each direction.

I was gone for almost two months, but I returned. I did. I came back.

I'm homeless. I'm living out of my car and boxes. I'm spending money I don't really have. I've been getting high and tripping a lot. I'm realizing how fucked it all is.

I have nothing to show for it but photographs and a few more scars.

I don't know. I speak of college, of a job, of settling in for the winter. I open my mouth to scream, and no one hears but the monsters in my head. They've woken. They're hungry. They are as unforgiving as before, less so.

I've been some sort of object of desire. Male friends have been showing me sexual interest, and while I share the interest, I do not pursue, I do not allow my desires to be fulfilled. I have not had sex in over six months. I have too much wrong with my head, how dare my body defy me with want? I am too much. There's too much work to be done. I want something real, something tangible. Love. I want someone to love me, to want me, I want to be swallowed whole by this thing they call Love. I want to sleep sound, held securely, knowing I am bound to the earth by something stronger than these demons that batter away at my defenses. I am so weak. I am so, so uncertain.

Questions circle like vultures. Answers are elusive and few.

I keep searching.