I am still so angry. I am so violent internally, I am amazed it doesn't come boiling out, rapid fire.
I feel sick to my stomach. I am so sick of where I am, who I am, what I do. It feels like something trying to peel its way out from the inside. It wants to come ripping out, but it'll settle for less if there's nothing else.
I made the assumption the other day that this man I'm interested in was single. He and his girlfriend have a lot of history, they are quite chaotic in their relationship, but they have a kid together. I made the assumption, assuming that when he used the past tense, he meant they were done. I wanted that to be the case. I wanted that to be the truth, so I let that be the temporary truth, to allow myself to do something I've been denying myself for a long time. I should have known better. I do know better... But it happened; I can't take it back. I don't necessarily want to take it back, but now I'm confused, anxious, unsettled, a bit disgusted by myself. It's hard to sit still in my own skin, but who else's skin am I supposed to inhabit, if not my own?
What makes the situation more uncomfortable, unpleasant, disturbing for me... At least I was able to communicate to this man that I'm weird, I'm uncomfortable in close situations like this, I'm probably going to freak out a little. I was honest about my own strangeness. He asked me if I wanted him to leave his girlfriend and I could be his girlfriend instead. I told him that I didn't want to influence or affect his relationship with her, that if things could work out with her, then they should focus on that. I told him I'm fucking crazy. I told him that I liked his girlfriend; I do.
It's just, FUCK. What the FUCK is wrong with me? I despise being the 'other woman', or whatever the fuck this makes me. I despise those whores that get involved with people who are already taken, and what do I do? The exact thing...
It's just, he told me I was beautiful, that I was sexy, that he liked me, a lot. We were talking and we get along. He knew how to touch me, and if there is a god it knows I've been craving to be touched, to be pushed around and pulled and wanted, if there is a god it knows I have been craving so badly to be wanted... And he wanted me, he told me he's wanted me since we met, and I feel the same way, and it just escalated and I knew better, damn it, I KNEW BETTER...
What makes it even worse is that one of my best friends is his best friend; that's how we met. I don't know how my friend feels about this, or if this is going to affect anything; I don't even know if he really cares. I know he, my friend, has enough shit going on in his own life, but I'm not sure... I feel like he's a little pissed at me. Maybe that's just my own perspective, the reflection of my own feelings. I feel like he should be disgusted or pissed at me.
Why did I do this? I did not need more bullshit or drama in my life. There's more than enough. Damn it. Just, damn it.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I just want to disappear. These are not safe feelings. I do stupid things when the depression is sneaking back into my life. I do stupid things when I drink too much moonshine, and that isn't an excuse, it's a fact, I lose the part of me that prohibits selfishness of this caliber. I'm a mess. A fucking mess, and this is going to only get worse, get more complicated.
He wants to see me, again, he wants me. How can I go back to what was before? How can I say, maybe we're better as just friends, this is too complicated, I'm not this brave...
How do I fix this? How can I fix this, when it's always been broken?
Please, there may not be that many of you, if any, readers... but please, don't just read about my life and then say nothing. I feel bad, I feel worse when there's no response, there's no words, there's no retort. Tell me what shit I am, or give me some advice. How do I stop hating myself? How do I get out of this? How do I be brave enough to fucking survive what's coming? I'm not brave, I'm not smart, I'm not beautiful, I'm not anything but shit, at this point. These cycles come and they go, and it's coming back around again, I don't know what to fucking do, I need help, I need you to tell me something, anything, I don't know, just give me something.
What makes all this even more ridiculous and outrageous is that I'm constantly triggered to self-harm, I want to destroy myself, and I guess this is just one more way that I've done it in the past. But why, why, did I have to pick this moment, this person, this situation, to fuck up again? Why did I do this? WHY AM I DOING THIS? I feel like I'm splitting into pieces. I'm not dying, but the world is shaking and crumbling around me, and when it finally collapses, it's going to hurt a hell lot more than it does now. And I am so scared, so scared.
Help me.
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