Small Update,

A. I'm seeing somebody. He is taller than me, smart, funny, attractive, and my hormones go wonky around him. It's a new experience. I'm trying not to get in the way of myself. We were "dating" until a couple days ago, when he stated he wants what we have going, but he doesn't want the title of "boyfriend/ girlfriend". I do understand where he's coming from. It just hurts. I'm frustrated, I'm fighting off the creeping self-loathing that's trying to convince me I'm not good enough, not worth this, that he's making distance between us because he sees how repulsive I am, and he wants nothing to do with me but to fuck my body. I believe this is just the disease taking over, trying to sink its talons in and make me fuck this up, fuck this good thing I have going, because it is better for this fucking disease to have me alone and miserable than to have someone who may actually care.

B. I'm relapsing. I am eating incredibly disgusting amounts of food, mostly in secret, and then infrequently purging, maybe two or three times a week, and two or three times each session. It's getting out of hand. I can feel the monsters stirring. Things are beginning to go awry within my mind, again. I fear it.

C. I have a job, now, working at a hotel, third shift. This leaves me a few days a week to run errands and take care of daytime responsibilities, some of which actually exist. Instead, I spend quite a bit of time sleeping. It is nearly impossible to pull myself out of my bed, and the hypnotic world of my dreams. As the sun goes down, I rise.

I believe this is still, slowly, killing me.

And I am doing it to myself, all over again, only a slightly different flavor, new scenery.

At least I now live with some incredible, amazing people. People who I love and who love me. I must remember this, and not allow this crippling wave I feel coming upon me to convince me otherwise... or convince them, otherwise, that it's safest not to care, not to love me.

I need the help, now more than ever.

I know no one reads this blog, or cares. We all have enough going on in our own lives, and mine is totally insignificant in comparison. I am not asking for pity, nor advice. I just ask that if there is somebody out there who is reading these words, who feels anything at all, any kinship... Please let me know. And know that I am, I am still... here.