So I lied. I've been falling in love with T for awhile now, but I've been in denial about the fact that he is just using and manipulating me. I know it, I've been seeing it, but it's easier on my heart to pretend otherwise. It hurts, deep inside. My chest and my heart aches, my throat closes up and I choke on recurring tears that won't let me go a day without crying like a pathetic little kid. He's only using me for whatever end. I crave him. His touch, his even breathing behind me while I sleep. Half the time I want to kiss him, the other half I want to hit him, over and over, until he hurts like he's hurt me. I haven't hurt like this in years. It reminds me of why I've held back from letting anyone in for so long.
I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm a fool, and I don't know how to confront him about it. I don't know how to say how I feel without breaking down. Should I just let him see me cry? Let him see how badly he's wounded me? Tell him that I wasn't truthful, when I acted like I was okay with him going off and fucking another girl? When I said I was alright with the fact that he "had no sex drive"? Oh really? Really? Then why are you going off and kissing her, touching her, spending the night in her bed? You want crazy, you piece of shit? I'll show you fucking crazy.
YOU make me crazy. You fuck. You have made me hate myself, but I let you take such control, didn't I? Didn't I... And even now, it hurts that you don't reach out and touch me. I can't hug you back, when you come up behind me. You were so sweet when you got off work, today. But that part of my heart you've claimed, that part has been blackened and turned to stone. It has to be stone, because I cannot take anymore of this. I cannot handle this. You.
You did make me happy, you do. But when you spit these cruel words at me, it destroys me. You know exactly what to say and do to injure me the most. I haven't been in a relationship, any relationship, like this, in so long, where I was being emotionally and spiritually wounded and abused. I am the one who tells my friends when they're in this situation, that they deserve better, they should leave people like you. I'm not the one that is tortured like this. I'm on the outside, looking in. And now, I can barely take my own advice. I would rather ache for your touch, and live off those few moments of you smiling at me, and holding me, and telling me I'm beautiful to you.
Instead, I have to end it. Because I am not strong enough to survive much more of this bullshit. I wish I could change your mind, I wish you were attracted to me, still, after you've had me. I wish you wanted me, and fuck you for not. I am half possessed by the need to just grab you and force you to love me, but that won't work, and that would make me as bad as you, as awful and cruel.
And don't doubt, I realize that the "fuck you"s and the "shut up"s, they're mostly just bullshit. I shouldn't take it so to heart. But when you say these things, and then your face eases and you smile at me, I cannot help how it breaks me. And you dare to say you love me.
Why would you turn towards me as soon as she's left and lay your head on my shoulder, and tell me you love me? How could you possibly mean anything you say when you are that manipulative?
You know she's possessive and jealous, don't you? You must. You love your girls bat shit crazy, like that. What have you done to your exes to make them so much moreso? I don't care to know.
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