Tonight my father commented on my weight gain. He said something to the effect of how you can tell I've put on weight again, and that he's going through the same thing.
His comments in the past have been severely triggering. This one just made me sad. I don't know how much my parents have affected me in this disorder, but I can tell you, they have. They don't know the extent to which they aid my self-destruction, and they do not know to the extent I have gone in my self-persecution. They do not know I have purged, they do not understand fully my tendency to binge competitively, and they have no idea how painful it is to live within my body.
And I truly hate that they have to say anything at all.
I realize that he doesn't mean it in a hateful or damaging way. It's only my perception. It's only my reaction, and how I view myself, that makes it feel like damnation.
It still hurts. It doesn't matter what anyone's intentions are. When they ask me how far along in my pregnancy I am, it hurts. I'm not pregnant. My best friend is pregnant, and I'm the one that looks the part. No, sorry, my baby consists solely of my binge from the past week, and constipation.
I haven't touched laxatives in weeks because I'm afraid of how they'll torture my stomach, and I'd like to be able to continue shitting on my own, without the need to take them. I haven't taken diet pills lately, either, because I'm afraid of my family's history, although I've known about it for years, and have continued to purge, pop pills, and ignore my body's cries for help. I haven't purged since my car accident because my nose is broken and I am very afraid of fucking shit up worse than it already is.
And still I eat like there is no tomorrow.
Where the hell is my self-respect? Where the fuck is my discipline?
What in the hell happened to my will power?
I know it didn't get deleted like my old blog.
Where there is a will, there is a way, and in the name of all things good and holy, I am going to find a fucking way.
Watch me.
I know you have it in you to fight back the binges, I also know it seems totally impossible at times when you are caught in the rapture and chaos of it all.
ReplyDeleteBut you can do it. I believe in you, and the fact you lost 10lbs at the music festival (I'm in awe, btw when I read that, how long WAS this music festival?! amazing) shows you can do it out of your own surroundings and habits. I'm like that, I go back to a place, I go backt o the habits of the place, we need to create new habits in old places, and fight the old binge monsters. we can do it.
parents have a wonderful way of doing that dont they. i remember i hadnt eaten and in the evening after a 12 h restaurant shift went to get cereal. i had a fair amount, and dad turned to me and said, manda doesnt want to go *pop* does she, you dont want to go pop.
i love you miss nona. lots xx