I went to the optometrist and still have 20/20 vision. There's no problem with my eyes from the accident, thankfully.
As far as moods go, today's been a rotten one. A bit more depressed and dejected than yesterday, and frustration riding the curve heavenward. Not the best combination. I've been having yelling tantrums when left alone, or driving around in my car. This sounds ridiculous, but it's really one of the only ways I'm able to speak my anger or discontent without hurting the people that my anger and frustration is directed at. I don't want to hurt anyone. It's better, then, to just yell at myself and bite my tongue furiously when in the company of others.
I think.
I feel rather like an idiot again. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I had a mid-day mini-binge today. An ice cream sandwich, a bag of chips, some candy, and I'm currently fighting the strong, damned impulse to buy ridiculous amounts of chocolate. I had a really delicious red pepper, goat cheese, and spinach sandwich earlier, too. And we haven't even gotten to the idea of dinner, yet. And dinner, as in most households, is a mandatory family meal.
I'm broke, I'm fairly certain. I've been broke, but I've had this money sitting in my lap just itching to be spent, so I've caved, because I have no budget and no self control. Yes, I'm a loser. We already knew this.
What the fuck am I doing? I can't afford food, either financially or weight-related. I can't afford to sit around doing nothing but blogging, either. I can't afford to feel this pathetic and used up and helpless before I've even really begun to try. It just isn't feasible. What the hell is wrong with me?
I just don't understand the point of it all. I don't see what there is worth living for. I don't see myself ever succeeding, ever being more than the sniveling, weak slug I am day by day. I don't get it. I don't GET it!
Thank you, Persephone, for your comment. For believing in me, for telling me I can do it. I don't know if I believe that, but maybe I can try... maybe trying isn't as hard as I'm making it be in my head.
If only there was a way to live outside of my mind, away from my brain, and all its wretched lack of faith.
I am fairly convinced I need drugs, legal or no, to survive on a daily basis. Without drugs, I'm worse than useless. Without chemicals, I'm better off dead.
So much of what you have written is so familiar to me sweetie - the what is the point, the what am I doing. maybe your spending is wreckless? maybe your mood is what is trapping you in binging? or both? what I mean to say is it is probably a symptom of your despair, not a proof of your idiocy (i do not believe you are an idiot in the slightest)
ReplyDeletei have found that when i am binging or eating normal amount in abnormal ways, the easiest way for me to get out of it is to cut down slowly, or have calorie limits that step down and include all the sorts of foods you are currently eating so your head is fighting you and telling you you cant do it? i know, i know it is so easy to want to cut to nothing straight away, but it never gets me anywhere apart form a 5000kcal intake a few days later.
worth a go? maybe? if it will help you feel better? work out what you ate the previous day, and knock 300kcals off, then 200kcal, and keep going so it isn't a shock?
the real thing is the moods tho, right? could you talk to a doctor about it? or is there a part that is enjoying your emotional hell, as a punishement, that wont let you take them? im currently at that place, so id understand.
also, post a link of your blog on the blogs you want to read, google+ makes it hard to see blogs, it sort of steals blogger's links somehow, you can revert to the old blogger interface while keeping google+ in settings or the homepage and that way it would be easier for the people you want to find you, find you?
i love you little star xxx
I love you too, Nona.
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